@.-

2010-10-31T20:12:00.002+08:00

hello !

din blog for a long time.

been spending these past weeks pretty much alone. there are some people that i've been steadily losing respect to. people whom i can see their intentions like an open book and how they behave sickens me.

on another note, times are changing, changing. you know it when someone isnt paying attention, when they are simply not able to spend any time on you. you know it. and i know it when i see you, you. i know you're busy, i know you have more important things to do. that makes me unimportant. and it makes me sigh to myself everytime i get the feeling you wouldn't reply, and makes me cringe when you really do not reply. think about it, how many times have you said goodnight to me this week ? you always say sorry, sorry, but nothing changes. then i realise, that's just who you are. and it is my duty, to accept you for who you are. because you are my sister, and i am your brother, like it or not. and i am glad you are my sister, for you're the best sis i've ever had and will always be that way. and i have to learn to be better, better for you. and for that i'll have to learn to grow up, learn to know what to expect and what not to. so if you are unable to be attentive, i know why, and i understand. i'll just have to look for someone else who cares. that should have been the way all along. the problem isnt with you, but with me. i'll do my best :) you, dear sister, take care oki. there will be parts of your life that i will not be around to see, but i will always, always, be nearby in case you need me. :)

i wanna watch walking with dinosaurs live ! :(

today started off on a bad note. had driving lesson, which was pretty screwed up. sigh. then i went to city hall to buy books. but i was so upset and distracted aft driving lesson that i went on auto-pilot and took the train back to choa chu kang instead of to jurong east. so yep so i had to take the train back to jurong again. went to city hall, and to my surprise, met Section 1 peeps ! hahaha. so started talking to them about ns, so long neh see them le ! :(( heh. aft that went to buy books. gosh bought 3 ! >.< then went shopping for clothes. hees retail therapy ! oki then i went to bukit panjang, then went to lot 1 to cut hair. lols my new hairdresser is quite nice bah. makes an effort to talk to me and massages my head while shampooing. lols. then after that i went home to change, then went to gym. after so long ! >.< muscles ah wake up le ma ! hees. then i back home via the mrt. on the mrt i looked at my shoes. nike zoom shoes ! lols. then i thought to myself, so long neh wear them le. got miss running nort dear shoes ! and so on impulse i decided that i would run home. LOL. so when i reached choachukang, tightened my bag, got ready, and RAN RAN RAN ! reached my house but i continued running, around the neighbourhood, and then ran back. on the way back saw this guy lugging this tv set and something else. so i stopped and asked him if he needed help. LOL what the hell random mood. >.< but he said its okay, then i continued running ~

all the way home. later gotta book in. i wan go ARMY. PLEASE NO AIR FORCE NO NAVY PLEASE I BEG U. T.T ARMY ARMY ARMY ARMY ~

2010-05-29T02:13:00.002+08:00

if only i could say what i want to say.

things i wanna express surface and then fade out.

and when they're lost,

i dun feel like saying it out anymore.

dunno am i happy or sad,

happy or sad.

happy and sad.

bittersweet.

you are bittersweet.

as always.

there are many things that lie between these sentences,

that i wanna say out loud.

but i know they cannot appear,

and so they will not.

but can you imagine me,

i see these words,

and i look at these blanks,

and there's a world inside these blanks,

you,

the world.

the nearest and the most distant,

the warmest and the frozen.

the star and the ground,

all at once.

you are bittersweet.

and i look through a wall,

this wall i am hiding behind.

coz you are bittersweet,

soft yet hard.

i know you yet i do not know you.

i hear you yet i do not hear you.

but i see you,

and you do not see yourself.

more words hiding,

from you.

coz you are bittersweet,

and i do not know how to face you.

2010-05-13T19:36:00.002+08:00

well, i've been thinking.

if i had to create an image so beautiful, i would draw you.

life is a path with pebbles and rocks. and you are the mountain in it. so huge that the path of my life bends and twists with you, for you.

to be honest, i never regretted meeting you.

went through alot, yeah. alot alot.

one traveled in it, stayed in it, got lost in it, hurt by it, found myself in it, lived by it, found comfort in it.

and there came the day i had to move on from it. like how the mountain stays there but life keeps pushing us forward, and further away from it. i resisted, i refused to move on. but no matter what i tried i could not get back to it. cried and screamed. cried and screamed. cried and screamed. i felt empty without it, like a mountain kid in a desert. i felt like i lost myself inside there, and i was all mountain. hurts. this past blocked my view of the future, dulled my sense of the present, and took up all of my past. when you define yourself by something and then it is all taken away. you lose your own definition too.

i believed, if i tried to stay in control, if i told myself to watch my limits, maybe my path would twist and i would get back to the mountain. and i tried. and the path twisted back, twisted near, but i never never reached the mountain. and that choice hurt even more because i could see it but not live in it, hear it but not feel it. and i chose this pain and ache. i would rather see and hear this mountain, than to never see it again. even if it tore me up, even if it bent me till i broke, i didnt care how much my path twisted as long as i could reach the mountain again. i didnt care. i was happy, i was sad, i pretended to be happy, i tried not to be sad. i tried to look beyond myself, said this is enough for me.

but our lives change and change. "the old are deleted and the new are added, and those that refuse to be deleted, are at best only tolerated". i was tolerated.

until the day when i saw others living on the mountain, and the mountain living with them, then did i realise how far and distant i was. i lost myself in a place where i did not exist. and that hurt alot alot. that knowledge hurt alot. and i tripped and i fell and i cried and i passed out and i cried summore. and that was the day a part of me was lost.

everytime i leave you, i lose abit more of myself. you may not understand this. like the day when i had a "holiday" back into the mountain. you would not understand the pure happiness i had, felt on that day. and as i stared at you, wanted to drink you into my soul. drink you in, how do i do that ? grab hold of the seconds, minutes, hours. but i couldnt. no matter how much i focused and tried. i couldnt. and when night came and my time was up, how did i feel ? its crazy. i was the happiest in a moment and when i had to leave, i died inside. i lost so much of myself, i din know what was left. the eyes are the windows to the soul. and my eyes were so dulled. so much so its crazy.

and i told the mountain, i am going to leave you for good.

i was lying.

lying to you, lying to myself.

hiding from you, hiding from myself.

its so hard to pull away from you. so hard that i refused.

but life drags us forward, even as i look back now.

and im learning to put you behind.

and at the end of the day, its only memories that are left. memories that fade over time, scars that serve as a beautiful reminder of what that existed.

and if i could live my life again, i would still choose to climb this mountain.

you, this far away mountain.

the day i stopped drawing angel wings, i swore i would stop relying on you for strength.

you, i have to thank you for alot of things.

thank you, dear friend.

2010-04-24T00:57:00.002+08:00

ello. time to blog about ytd. coz its 12.57am now.

had a great day today !

went to fetch mei from sch at 1:30 pm, mei is late as always =P but today was only 5 mins late. not bad not bad. went to boonlay then took train ! took all the way to raffles, then change to somerset ! went to cine to eat, ate koba ! veh long neh eat le. then we went to take neos ! hahaha sian la ! we did all the standard poses coz we couldnt do it in time ! rawr. kinda pity for the last neoprint of this stage of our life yeah ? >.< oh ya and mei took super long to change into her clothes ! =o

spent a long long time editing the neos coz mei was busy colouring her hair and changing her eyes and whatnot. rawr those faces were super super gross ! =0

hahaha then we flew to dhoby ghaut, took circle line ! first time for me ley ! took to stadium mrt, then went to kallang smthing smthing to ice skate ! woooooooooooooo!

but when we went there, went to toilet, then went up to the rink. then there got one notice say the rink is closed from 3:30-6:30 coz of private booking thingy. sian =( so i looked really sad and then we decided to skate aft 6:30. so in the meanwhile we went up to the top floor where there was this non-moving escalator, starting taking photos ! hahahaha. aiyo then while mei was checking the camera position then she knock her head against the step ! heart pain heart pain ! rawr. so we took and took and took and took and took, until we were both v hot, so we decided to zao. bought yougurt with oreo toppings, ate them on the way out ! went back to dhoby ghaut to buy auntie anne's. then went to shop for my mum's bdae pressie ! heh. went to a few shops then in the end we settled for this SK thingy. some pearl and diamnond necklace that mei helped to choose ! ;) thankyou thankyou mei ! hahaha.

so it was about time to go back to kallang, took the circle line again ! went there, and finally went into the rink ! =) heh we both had hockey skates, then wear le, put our bags there and went to skate ! heh veh long nv skate le, since last december ! ayes but mei foot pain ;( then went to adjust her skates and stuff.

yep yep so we skated and talked about everything ! most of which included what type of guys does mei like >.< hahahaha. we have very very different tastes in people !

lols. spent awhile remembering the events that took place while skating. mei tried to skate backwards too ! lols lols. then when we had 20mins left, went back to rest awhile, then found my bag with milo spilled onto it. or smthing liddat la. lucky mei de bag nv tio. heh. and lucky crumpler is kinda waterproof. hees. din really care la. then we went back to skate, and skated to the song pretty girl, then mei wore her earphones and we skated to the pace of her song. heh. which was fast but still okay la. hees.

i rmb trying to hold on to time, trying to drag the seconds, bathe in the moment. kinda hard yea. time flies. heh. time mosquitos. hmm.

then we went to take off our skates, returned them, then we went toilet. i tried washing my bag. which was kinda okay. crumpler ftw ! for once mei came out of the toilet faster than me =P

okay okay so we got out of the place, and back to the mrt ! took to dhoby ghaut, then went to jurong east thru woodlands ! super farrr mann. heh. and kinda alot of ppl. i hate crowds ! >.< yep so we went back, talked about eyes and how rebellious mei was :p

took allll the way to yewtee, then bought mac fries ! >.< ate them on the way home, mei and her garlic chilli >.<

hahaha the walk home was...indescribable. lotsa emotions mixed into one yeah. like the end of a great day coupled with the beginning of the end of this stage of our lives. i didnt want to walk back. din want din want din want ! =( heh and mei had to put up with my whining. =P yep yep so went went back in the end.

reached downstairs, took the lift up. muahahaha. mei let me press every button till the 10th floor,(which i always do) and we took photos at every floor ! =)

yep. end of a great day. din write you a card so im posting it here.

thanks alot for today yea. thanks for peiing me these past few weeks ! all the outings, study sessions, movie, iceskating, camwhoring, online pw sessions, meals, deserts, youghurt, shopping ! rmb we exchanged bags, i confiscated ur wallet, tried to confiscate ur phone, stood together in the presence of looming trouble, and we always always stood at the glass panel in the train ! all these wonderful wonderful memories, thankyou for them :)

lols just in case you forget what to put in the book of memories, im posting this so that at least you remember today :)

yep yep, to this mei of mine, thank you for being you. thankyou for all the time u spent with me, all the sacrifices that u made. kor's gonna be busy, so u gotta takkaire yea. be strong, and i'll always always be here for you. rmb arh take neoprints till we're old and wrinkly kay :) idc if the whole world is looking =P

-xinyi aka kor.

P.S. kit kat told me he loves you too ! :)

2010-04-22T21:35:00.003+08:00

today morning woke up, went to gym, then waited for my driving lesson. then drove arnd and went home. lols.

gonna miss such a life man. esp going sch to fetch mei too.

and you, you.

take care for the rest of ur life.

i'll take care too.

2010-04-21T19:22:00.002+08:00

had a nightmare again.

i hate that image.

hate that image.

why are dreams like that ?

and why does this dream

still hurt me when im awake.

i hate that image.

that dream made me hate myself

for not being able to do anything about it.

i hate it.

upset upset upset.

i hate that image.

2010-02-23T01:10:00.004+08:00

ouch.

and i stare at the screen. you know, that day you hurt me really badly. broke every vein i have, bled every bit of my soul away. and the cold.

what hurt most was knowing you're beside me, but being unable to feel your presence. every second, every minute, every hour.

you know how it felt, when i knew where you were, where your heart was, and knowing it wasnt with me ? then why did you have to ask me along ? why drag me along this road where only you had shoes and i had none ? where the stones tore and tore, not at my feet, but deep deep inside.

the day when i was suppossed to be the happiest, tore me inside out.

some things, once lost, can never be regained again. never never.

and yet i tried and i tried, while you changed and changed, and i changed too, tried to be better, tried to be everything.

failed. horribly. painfully.

you would tell me to move on, told me that for 3 years. and i would look at you, and ask, move on to where ?

i am like this, because you are like that. i speak like this, because you speak like that. i feel like this, because i am like that.

its foolish, me writing like this, to you. i know its foolish.

the day i stopped drawing angelwings, the day i stopped drawing comfort from it.

and i keep asking myself,

why cant we be friends ?

2010-01-14T00:08:00.002+08:00

it hurts when im hurt,
its hurts even more when you're hurt.
it hurts ever more that im helpless,
unneeded.
blinded by your brightness,
blinded till all goes dark.
i must learn to see in the dark,
learn to create my own light.

but you're the one holding the candle,

the only flame.

and even when the sky falls down,

you, dear estella, is still out of reach.

even when everything comes tumbling down.

why do we reach for something we cannot reach,

hold on to something we cannot hold on to.

the tighter the hold, the further the reach,

the tighter the hold, the further the reach.

the blind looking for light,

the cold looking for warmth,

and yet,

neither are within reach.

and neither are you.

2010-01-07T00:52:00.002+08:00

and the question is,

do i want to be here ?

and the answer is,

i dont know.

and the question is,

do you want me here ?

and the answer is,

i dont really know.

and the question is,

am i here ?

and the answer is,

i guess not.

and the question is,

are you gone ?

and the answer is,

yes, and no.

and the question is,

am i gone ?

and the answer is,

yes, and yes.

and the question is,

are you there ?

and the answer is,

no, and still no.

and the question is,

do i still hold on ?

and the answer is,

do i have a choice ?

and the question is,

what would you say ?

and the answer is,

"please let me stay."

2009-12-18T01:11:00.001+08:00

I LOVE YOU

i really really do.
stop coming to this dead dead blog.

this isnt the place for you.

not anymore.

i still love you.

2009-12-18T01:01:00.002+08:00

jiayou jiayou. i'll always be rooting for you.

xinyi is super insecure and scared of losing the people around him.

esp at night. start thinking alot.

harsh reality, and me afraid to face it. afraid to see how harsh it is.

i wanna go back to the past. your past. our past. the days when i could close my eyes and smile, coz you're printed on my eyelids.

wasnt in a very good mood today. felt quite bad in fact.

and to you, when you do not reply, you send a clearer message to me.

i always say follow your heart, and be happy. why do i not have the right to follow my heart ? coz my heart is crazy, or the world is crazy , or both ?

twisting and turning twisting and turning.

when you look into their eyes and feel every emotion they feel, feel the deep deep ache inside as you look at their tears, like some kind of emotional mirror, yours reflected in theirs, and double the ache.

i cant face you. i am not ready to. i love you, and i dont ever want not to.

its crazy, this life is crazy, this love is crazy.

and im going crazy.

and no one's there to pick me up.

and i look around.

nope, no one.

2009-12-03T00:18:00.002+08:00

aye.

trying not to step on the ground too hard, sometimes slipping, sometimes tripping, sometimes losing ground, sometimes holding on for dear life.

xinyi is tired.

hiding, staying away, keeping my distance from you.

all a lie.

estella, sometimes i look up in the sky, and i look for you. sometimes its cloudy and i see nothing, sometimes the sun is there and i am blinded by it.

and yet, i cant tell you anything. coz you, estella, do not belong to earth.

and the earth cant go near the star, and the star doesnt want the earth near,

for they do not belong near eachother.

only a cold, cold distance.

in the cold, cold flicker

of your light.

and i live in the shadows, breathe in the shadows,

and yet none is there to give light.

and yet none is there to give light.

your light.

cold, cold flicker.

im freezing in here.

and yet none is there to give light.

2009-10-25T19:18:00.003+08:00

i dunno why, always at this period of time in my life, i'd pick up Johnny Angel and read it.
the ultimate message and reminder you gave to me.
many many feelings. many many feelings.
of you.
how do i talk about it ?
how do i talk to you ?
so much meaning inside that book. the book you bought but never read, the book i recieved and always read.
and i read about you
especially when i miss you.
especially when i love you
this thing i am talking about now, meaningful to me, ugly to you.
and it hurts because its ugly to you
you,
without me.
i dunno what to say.
and there are things i cant say
one day, when you come to this blog, and you see all these posts.
see all my thoughts
or you may never think about me again.
nor talk about me again
coz we never know when will we next see each other,
until its all too late
like that day, when i met you.
when i so wanted to see you
is it the last time ?
i dont want it to be so
i think so, dear friend.
friend
i think so, angel.
Angel.

2009-10-21T19:51:00.002+08:00

yesterday. today. now.

bye bye friend.

sorry we cant be together.

saw your blog. glad you're happy. jiayou yea.

and takkiare of youself.

yesterday it rubbed the wound raw.

today, i peeled it open, and cut the vein that connected the heart. disconnected myself from it.

and it hurts, and it bleeds.

but its better for you and i.

you, the unnamed protagonist of my blog, today's your last chapter in this book. the author will always always love you, i'll remember all the happy memories.

there are many ways to kill a man. and but its those that leave no wound, that deal the most damage.

and today, i die again.

-always yours,
xinyi

2009-09-27T21:02:00.002+08:00

heyy,

i told you two years ago,

not a day has gone by without me thinking of you.

and you know what ?

not a day has gone by without me thinking of you.

and its crazy.

the way i cant help but love you,

even though i cant see you.

and its crazy.

there are nights when i lie awake,

thinking about you.

and there are times,

i wanna scream to you,

i love you,

alot alot alot.

and its crazy,

coz i cant.

or risk losing you.

i am not the kind to bottle things up,

but yet for you,

i push it all inside.

but its okay,

really.

coz i know i am lucky,

to still have you in my life.

you know, i still have the old phone. and inside there are so, so many memories. some of the happiest times of my life, some of the worst. but most of them, you. and its crazy, reading all of them, and realising that none of these will ever repeat themselves, coz you are now you, and i am still me. and its crazy, the difference.

but people change, relationships change. and like you said, some things, once lost, can never be regained again.

im living in the past, with my body in the present. coz im afraid to let go, im afraid to lose the only source of identity i have left.

coz you are you, and i am me.

and not a day has gone by without me thinking of you.

and i still love you.

2009-08-13T02:01:00.002+08:00

she never had to fear losing him,
coz she knew he'll never leave her.
she never had to fear making him angry,
coz she knew he'll be laughing 5 mins later.
she never had to fear crying alone,
coz she knew he'll be there for her forever.
she never had to fear being unwanted,
coz she knew he'll always be wanting her.

i typed this really really long ago. was looking through my past posts.

hmm. there's alot to think about. i want you to be happy, be happy with me.

and i have to change. i have to be a better person.

you probably wouldnt see this, you.

blurted out alot of stuff without thinking. its like whatever my heart was screaming i just let it out. and now my mind is back in control.

i am motivated by people. i have to be more independent. more like you.

2009-08-08T11:32:00.000+08:00

and you

you deserve to be happy too.

even if it kills me.

and its killing me. the truth burns, the reality bends me up in knots. but.

if you're leading the life you want, being with the people you love,

why not? =)

takkaire of yourself yea, you.

be with the people that gives you happiness, that can make you smile like that, that can give you the best day ever.
every single day.

and if you do, im happy for you.

and i was sitting there, looking out of the window. every time a bus comes i hoped you would appear. she told me not to be silly, but as i looked out, i hoped to see you there. its like something you know deep down that would not happen, yet you cant help but hope.
be positive, xinyi.
be happy xinyi.
be happier, mei.

2009-08-08T11:16:00.000+08:00

aye. been thinking about you the whole night. and when i woke up it was you that came first.

this is the guy that breathes because you exist.

aye you. you deserve to have so, so much more. but when you have him, i want you to be happy, i want you to be contented, coz more than that, you deserve to be happy.

its crazy, isnt it?

it hurts me to see you limit yourself like that, yet it would hurt you even more if i insisted that you take more.

to give less than what you should be getting, to see you reject anything more, i dunno, its your choice.

and i would support you no matter what you choose, what you do.

because you deserve to be happy, if i cant make you happy, the least i can do is to help you in your search for it.

i dont want to lose you, dear friend.

its crazy.

in my 18th year, i loved as i have never loved before.
so there!

2009-08-07T23:10:00.000+08:00

and you,

i do not know what you're looking for. maybe you're not looking this way anymore. i do not know. aye.

2009-08-07T22:44:00.000+08:00

its crazy.

today went to sch for national day celebration. was super bored. sat in front then dunno why must they have merlion on stage and spray water. zzz. couldnt wait to go off.

went to je lib. heh. did some maths, then went to eat lunch. ate chicken rice. then went back to study, did econs essay outline and finished up my regression and correlation tutorial, "attempted" to do some of the pure maths questions. sian la i dunno how to do. hmm. time really flies. hour after hour passed. left at 8:30. went to jp to eat dinner. ate mac, went ntuc to buy wax.

with you

for the first time in a long long time, i felt my heart beat again. its crazy. so familiar yet..so strange. i looked at you. and i couldnt believe my eyes.

you dont know yourself, you dont know yourself as i see you.

aye. its like the poorest man suddenly living in infinite riches. its so much i cant comprehend how happy i should be.

and when you had to go, i couldnt bear it. the heart beating in me torn out again.aye. i told you i die everytime you leave. it isnt the pain, it isnt the ache, its just the fall from everything into nothingness. the dulling of the eyes, the slowing of movements.

if only you knew, how much you mean.

2009-08-06T20:05:00.000+08:00

hello!

aye. tired.

do you want me to? i guess not.

you forgot, that i am human too.

you forgot, i need you too.

you forgot; forget it.

please let me stay

2009-07-29T23:32:00.000+08:00

what am i doing,

chasing after you.

in love with someone

who believes she's made for someone else.

i can give you everything,

but they're not what you want.

then,

what am i doing?

you know,

no matter what,

im here to fill in any gap there is in your life.

i cant ensure my life is perfect,

but i can make sure you lead a life

as perfect as possible.

coz you deserve much much more,

dear friend.

i love you,

but more than that,

i want you to be happy in life.

coz you deserve much much more.

more than what anyone can give,

dear friend.

2009-07-22T23:18:00.002+08:00

hello! v long nv post le. this blog, dying along with me?

everytime i sit here and think of what to type, and all i can think of is you.

you.

you said no one cant live without another person.

why is it that i die everytime we part?

you.

because you read this blog, i keep this blog alive.

you.

cant live without,

you.

2009-06-30T10:25:00.002+08:00

she is the ocean,

he has the sea.

he has the pond.

should he think about the sea? or be contented with the pond? if the dragonfly never knew the existence of the sea, wasnt aware, would it be happier?

or does the lizard who has suffered the heat and dryness of the desert, treat the pond as the oasis of the world?

*note to self: bring waterbottle into exam.

2009-06-16T11:50:00.003+08:00

hello!

time to wip off the cobwebs again.

it takes one to give, and another to recieve. lol famous quotes by sir xinyi. useful for gp.

the one who gives protection the most is the one who needs protection the most.

yo yo yo.

been playing maple.

coz my love for you is blind~

2009-05-27T19:54:00.003+08:00

tian arh. my stocks are dropping dropping dropping. shouldnt have bought them so early. later in the day it fell by 3 points, then 8 points, then now 9 points! ZOMG TIAN ARH. lost about 30thousand already T_T

oh well..guess i have to hold on hold on to it until it rises again so i can sell. but this is seriously more fun and exciting then dumb dumb low risk stocks. i dun see how they can fall further. unless the dumb dumb compainies close down. T_T.

lol almost had trouble with my dinner today. dun want to eat boring food! T_T. oki now having chicken and veg potato soup and curry puff. f3.

dear reader, if you see this post, tag at my board k? i wanna know if ppl are still coming.

but it doesnt really matter, coz even if my only reader's you, i'll blog on.

blog on, the same goes for you.

how are you, dear friend.

2009-05-27T19:37:00.002+08:00

hey you,

i keep thinking if i keep making myself better, maybe you would be more willing to see me. if i became a more perfect person, you would be more willing to dependent on me.
and i try and i try, yet you're still not there to see me.

you know why am i so scared? coz if i stop moving i fade into the background. the background of your life. i tell myself, i will always be there no matter what, you will always be there for me no matter what, yet as i look on, i disappear.

and then they say, no matter what, you'll always want me around. yet you do not show that to me.
i dont know if it is delusion or blind faith.

have faith? faith in you. show me, show me please, that you care about me, so i can properly care about you.

because it takes two hands to clap, and anyone can see that the hand isnt doing anything.

because it cant do anything? because it has other commitments and hence no time and energy for the other hand?

i could be the perfect person, your perfect person, yet you're not there to see me.

but i'll hold on to you no matter what. coz im your ___.

2009-05-17T19:49:00.003+08:00

"all your life people will try to put you down, don't you put yourself down as well."

aye, i hope im not putting too much pressure on you. its a paradox, the way the more im there the less i will be there, and the less you are here the more you are needed here. if i left everything to you i would never get to see you; if i took more than you wanted i would be failing you, if i took less than i wanted i would be starved so. but aye. i would rather starve than to see you unhappy. and that's the way it would be. i will always be taking care of you.

hmm today had 4k outing! yayy yayy. hmmm met eunice and huixuan at lakeside mrt first, then waited for peisi and yangzhi. met the rest at je and bugis. then we walked to the steamboat place. lol. our table was veh funny, coz i dun eat seafood but eat meat, huixuan doesnt eat meat but eats seafood. hmm so we had half herbal chicken soup in the pot and the other half was fish bone soup. but oh well in the end it was mixed mixed.my soup has prawn and whatnot >.< hmm but overall it was quite fun + funny. heh. like me insisting on taking the meatball for priscilla, listening to fuen talking about his love life, seeing eunice they all suaning fu en about how he was full and they were not full although they were sitting at the same table.

then we din know what to do after the steamboat, in the end walked abit then some ppl went to zhanhao's house(WHY PRISCILLA NEVER GO T_T). lol then went there watch them play wii, then played bridge with elyena, huixuan and peisi, then after that yinneh left and jiawei joined us. omg my cards were quite good. yayy. got one game i had 4 aces =D. hmm then played wii with george. got beaten up >.< then after that we went home.

i hate seeing you leave. i dunno when will be the next time i see you. =(

but thanks for the memories, dear friend.

everything today was flooded with you, you, you.

anaphoric phrasing. you you you.

2009-05-10T01:17:00.002+08:00

hello hello!

long time no post. so if you see this message you deserve a pat on the back for coming to my blog! *pat pat*

CO SYF GOLD

yay yay! hahahas. when it was announced i was like "YES!".

but somehow when i heard the screams of the other schools with gold with honours, i dunno why, but i wanted to cry.kinda overwhelming i guess.

anyway just wanna say, we all went through alot, so yep at least it all din go to waste. thankyou helpers too, for spending precious time with us, and for your hard work.

aye.

that night when you smsed me telling me you're in trouble, i felt so helpless. what could i do to help you? i cant drive, cant get anyone to drive, so late in the night. all i could do was to call you and ask you to consider your options..rawr. i hate this kind of helplessness.

and to you, i know you're tired, and i want to help you. bt you wouldnt let me.

love,what a paradox.

xinyi <3 basketball.
xinyi <3 soccer.
xinyi <3 ice skating.(ZOMG I WAN TO SKATE)
xinyi <3...................

YOU!

2009-04-06T20:18:00.003+08:00

hello people!

tired. today went to school, saw kelly sitting at the round table with many dead flies. so could only sit on one of the chairs. lol the scene was rather comical laa.

next. went for gp, break, phy lecture. sat infront of mel(yan) and gina. then i kept laughing coz the lecturer kept saying basically, basically. and coz of "errata" on the physics notes. lol. "the light....took an expected turn. LOL. oki so was rather high during lecture.

then had econs tutorial. rawr. uber boring + i was dying. sickk! bleh. was dying during phy too. rawr.

went home. oki now im going to see the doc. heh. byeeeeeeeee.

you you you.

2009-03-22T23:08:00.002+08:00

they say that humans are all bound to eachother by their bonds, like invisible red threads.they do stretch, they do snap, they do get tested, some break, others are reinforced. if people had red threads, mine and yours would prolly be a red chain.

this chain. detachable at your side, locked at my side. i threw the key away eons ago. as long as you do not let go, i will hold on.

the chain is not a liability, its my identity.

it will not be a liability to you too, because i took special care to make it lightweight, lightweight and strong. it will not be your burden, but your source of strength, if you would just lean upon it.

imagery.

2009-03-20T00:00:00.002+08:00

hello!

v long nv post le. dunno ley. dun feel like?

came back from co camp. hmm..was fun to be with the people bah. but i hate it that when i play i always seem to be off tune. retarded. sectionals on the last night, then i looked at my fingers; maybe it was the fingers that pressed onto the strings, but coz it is not pressing on a point, im pressing on the higher note than i actually think i am? zzzzz i dunno. was in quite a bad mood after an incident. guess was quite stressed then i just snapped. literally.

today went into maple again. not bad la, still got alot of buddies online. =) pity i cant play much...rawr.

hmm..who are you? so many sides, so many people i never knew you knew. i dont know.

hmm, tmr gonna wake up at 6:30 to watch news. note to self: set alarm pl0x

if i could craft out words, that could describe everything about you, i would.

to you, you may not be perfect, but to me, you're perfect in every sense of the word. there is perfection in flaws, and hence flaws in perfection.

aye. how does it feel, to have so much power over someone else? to know you can make them snap, with a twist of your fingers, with a simple word?
how does it feel, to know you can either make or destroy, create joy or despair, all in every little thing you do?
how does it feel, to have someone standing by you, 24/7, to know that when you fall, he'll always be ready to catch you, and wipe away your tears.
how does it feel, to treat him as distantly as you can, so that you can prevent yourself from bringing him too close, so that he doesnt break accidentally with a slip of your hands?
he can be strong, and yet so fragile because of you. he has been twisted and bent, torn and teared, and yet he doesnt care, because of you.

the most beautiful sunset is nothing when you're not there to enjoy it with me.
why does the dying sun glow red?

you are beautiful, no matter what they say.
you are beautiful, in every single way.

yet the greatest paradox there can be, is the how you need to lose to know how to treasure, how to be sad to appreciate happiness. because humans never know what they have until they lose it.

and i've lost you. lost to the other side of the world, lost to time, lost to place,
lost to changes, lost to people.

and you'd say: "how do you lose when you never had me in the first place?"

and then we move on to the topic on dreams. how dreams can be so real, so vivid, you'll believe in it.
in my dreams you were there, you were there for me. i believed.
in my dreams there were only you and me. i believed.
yet when i woke up,
i was dragged back into reality,
and reality is,
there never was you and me,
just you and your world, me.

and in reality, i realised, what i thought i had, i never had, what i realised i lost, i really lost.
and he closed his eyes again, and cried.

hmm late le. nights people.

2009-02-16T02:36:00.003+08:00

hmm, was doing gp essay plan when i decided to go to a blog. read all 3 years of its archive.

no matter how hard you hold onto things, they will eventually slip through if they dont want to stay.

after everything, all that's left are memories.

can i ask you, where do i stand? nope not the centre, not the left right front back. where? where do i stand?

how can you take up so much of me? i am like 50% you and 10% me. the remaining 40% is with you. yet i dont know where do you keep it.

i dont know where you keep me. i dont know where am i.

in this world there will be one person who will always love you,
who will always stand by you,
who will always try to make you happy.
24/7

but you wouldnt let me be the one.

oh the irony. i cant be the very person i was made for.

if you're happy im fine with it.

and he stares, transfixed, at her. he wishes his eyes could drink her in, keep her with him forever. the very elixer of his life. yet he loses more and more of himself as he remain starved, of the drink.

trapped in time, trapped in memories, trapped in the heart. willingly.

i love you, alot alot.
i want you to be happy.

in my dreams.

2009-02-12T20:58:00.002+08:00

hey, the unnamed protagonist of my blog. you're everywhere here, but nowhere here too.

you know, i could stare and you forever and never tire of your face. maybe because i am so starved of your presence,i long for you even the more.

grey areas so grey. life so grey.

i stopped breathing the moment you left me.
and my heart flickers with any indication of you.

you are my protagonist, and i am your book. without you, i have no story.

-xinyi

2009-01-23T23:04:00.002+08:00

hi!

today was cny celebrations. hmmmmmm....yep just hanging around at the co room until it was time for us to perform. performance was great, thou marred by a certain unwelcomed entity near my line of sight. hmm.but yea we passed safely. =)

then went back with 4k to rv. loll. we were the first grp to be back. then watched the concert for awhile, then we went into the 4k classroom. LOL. so weird right! then it was like our class yet no our class.. then they played cards and ate in the class, and pris ask me go watch out for ppl T_T. we left soon. hees. then went up to the benches outside the library. sat there and played cards, talked, then mei came up to find me for awhile. =) then we waited for jianglaoshi to finish talking with another student. which took quite long. =( talked for quite awhile with jianglaoshi, then we went off to vivo to eat. heh ate carl's junior <33 yayyy

aft that went to walk with the girls while they shopped. lollll. stoneeeee. then we went home. yayyy.

my heart is with you, and with you i am whole, but without you i am less than human.

less than human.

2009-01-15T21:49:00.003+08:00

hello.

just read Johnny Angel again. =x so much to feel in that story, so much to remember. and i wished you read that story too, if you knew how much it would mean to me.

and to you, although you'd probably wouldnt read this. i wish i could protect you, from everything that may cause you pain and regret. but i cant, because my presence is limited, and my care over you is limited to how much you let me. there are some things you have to learn, like how to protect yourself, that i can never teach you, that you have to learn for yourself, sometimes through the hard way. but, my love and support for you is unlimited, and is yours for the taking. so please, please, take care of yourself, because when you are hurt, i hurt even more, with the knowledge that i cant do anything to alleviate your pain.

i have never seen you smile and laugh so much before. happy for you. but am i suppossed to feel hurt too? maybe i am just disappointed with myself.

=x

my gift to you.

2009-01-01T21:59:00.002+08:00

i need you. but where are you when i need you?

why do you have to keep entering and leaving my life? everytime you leave, you take abit more out of me. and abit may seem small to you, but i feel second of pain as you take every bit of me.

and i do so willingly.

for whose fault is it that i feel all these.

nobody's, but mine and fate.

and who can blame fate?

and who can blame me?

2008-12-23T00:47:00.002+08:00

aye. if only i could take someone's pain, and put it all upon me. i am empty, both on the inside and the outside. it doesnt matter anyway.

i could close my eyes,
and see your face.
i could look inside,
and see traces of you in my veins.
yet none of them belong to me.

i h8 homework. iie h8 hmk alort. rawr.

gotta get down to LEARNING MATHS. so easy to type it out. L-E-A-R-N-I-N-G M-A-T-H-S
so hard to do. aye.

close your eyes, and live in your dreams.
close my eyes, and escape to mine.

-xinyi

2008-12-19T16:42:00.002+08:00

hi! back from 4k chalet ytd.

first day: met with the guys at je platform..i was late(as usual)..then we took train to pasir ris mrt. met up with the girls, then we went to food court to eat, then went to ntuc to buy stuff for the chalet.

then we took bus to the chalet. hmm..the first day de afternoon was abit sian and pointless. lol. din really know what to do. and i kinda forgot what did we do too. lol. then first day de night we went to eat dinner at new york new york. ate half a roast chicken -_-. now i know the body parts of the chicken better le. bleh. lucky they din give me half the head too. LOL. SUPER DISGUSTING. erase erase. anyway, then we went to play pool, walk arnd. then went back to chalet. played bridge? yay i learnt how to bid. i kept winning leyy..beginner's luck i guess. then we played guo wang de you xi. then it was quite hard to think of dares to do. so in the end it was just kissing with a poker card inbetween. rawr. played till quite late. then...hmm..i dunno ley. sat there and talk? then we slept till morning.

2nd day: hmm went to eat breakfast at burger king. their $2 breakfast was a scam. lol. then we went to....um. i forgot. lol. then the guys went to play soccer in the afternoon. omg la we played in the mud barefooted. then i played defender as usual. the mud was super disgusting. it was warm. then feels like stepping in shit liddat. but it was fun to play again after so long la. heh. we played against 2 teams. then after that went to wash up. rawr after washing away the mud my feet was kinda orangey. then went back to the chalet. watched them play bridge. then played guo wang de you xi again. and it ended up in kissing again -_-. then went to eat at subway. after that we went to arcade. then went back to chalet. watched xiao niang re. and the korean show aft that. then we ended up in the room. played truth or dare. zzz. then they asked me stuff like name all the girls that i liked in rv. rawr. forgot alot le. huixuan remembered my love life(or flings as she said) better than i did. lol. hmm. so it was till quite late, then we just asked what did eachother dislike the most about the other gender. lol. then we went to sleep. woke up half way at night coz of marcus's snoring. aye. then i couldnt fall asleep le. hmm. so i sat up. and thought about things. then yangzhi woke up and said his head was very cold. then he went downstairs to sleep. then i slept and woke up bah. till morning.

3rd day: packed the chalet, brushed teeth, then we checked out. went to the mall to eat breakfast at yakun. then we played zong ji mi ma. loser recieved a prize of cup noodles that we couldnt finish. zzz. i won the final big prize of 3 cup noodles. then it was eating disgusting stuff. then i was suppossed to meet co ppl at tion at 1:30 to watch twilight. but on the way there on the train, hmm. i din want to leave 4k. especially..i couldnt leave. yea. so i told them sorry i cant go, but i will pay for the tix. then we went to boon lay to watch movie. omg the movie queue was super long. then watched ip man. the show was not bad bah. but super violent. all the broken limbs and blood and gunshots. rawr.

then we went to the toilet, then we were standing at the mall exit. hmm. time to leave eachother? i guess all of us couldnt bear to part bah. especially me. then we said bye to eachother. then me pris and jay took mrt home.

how could i bear to say bye? how could i treasure every last second i had? how could i say bye to someone i may never ever have the chance to meet anymore? how coul i tear apart this part of me. i couldnt, but i din have a choice.

old wound soothed. no pain felt. but that was only temporary.
and when it was over, the wound was pulled open again, and i started bleeding again.
and the blood flowed that night. and i screamed soundlessly in pain, hiding in my room. tears flowed as the blood did. tried to wipe the tears away. but they kept coming. and there was the cry of pain.

2008-12-09T07:03:00.003+08:00

heyy,

went home feeling rather confused.

you gave me hope, dissappointment.

joy, despair.

how is it possible to be happy and sad at the same time?

how is it that i am so willing to see you,

even though when i see you i feel so cold inside?

i like you,

i do i do.

i cant.

i cant,

i feel every action you do,

im sensitive to you.

and every little thing you do,

shows me how little i mean to you.

and every little bit of you to me,

i treasure.

and every little bit of me to you,

you disregard.

i guess,

i dont know what to do.

and i wish i could read your mind.

feel your heart.

know you.

but i guess not.

2008-12-04T07:41:00.002+08:00

anger, like a dark cloud, loomed out of him as his fists clenched. his eyes dark, shrouded in its anger

zzzzzzzz. random.

i miss you! =x

and i really really want to see you. come back quickly!

lol ytd was in maple. then i was super sian diao. then i told my friend i wan stop training to go read book. then everyone was like "LOL". zzz.

bookworm mapler. xD

aye im super slack. PROCRASTINATING LIKE CRAZY. AND I SO WANNA KEEP IT THAT WAY.

rawr.

i am free because you are busy.

life is full of ironies and paradoxes.

and i live in some of them?

everyone has their own story.

i miss co!

2008-12-03T01:15:00.002+08:00

and in that moment, i had the urge to turn around, and tell you i love you. that was the emotions flowing about me and in me, that compulsion.

and yet i din, coz im afraid what a confession would do to us. im afraid of losing what little we had just because i couldnt keep the feelings in my heart.

i've grown. mind over heart. or maybe im just afraid of losing.

the most precious thing you can ever give to someone, is your time.

but not everyone wants what u have to offer. and when you have so much to offer but no one to recieve, where do all these excess go to?

they get wasted in the void.

if you ever knew. =x

2008-11-29T07:04:00.002+08:00

hi i back from co chalet!

k i'll try to remember what happened. morning, met up with the seniors at je mrt. i was late! =x left home at 12:15 when we were suppossed to meet at 12:15. lol. then we took the train to pasir ris. the ride din feel very long though. heh. then we met up with the j1s and went to ntuc to buy drinks and chips. heh. bought super alot of mineral water xP then we went to take shuttle bus to the chalet. then when we went there, zomg la, bus full le! =( so we trudged back to the bus interchange and took bus. din really know when to alight but we did anyway xD then we walked. it was SUPER FAR. and i was carrying 6 1.5litres bottles of drinks! rawrrrrrr. almost took my arms off. hmm. yea my back muscles are still aching after 3 days. LOL.

oh ya. yuxian passed me the msg from mr ng. this was what he said.
1. to repaint the co-room, i had to ensure that there was at least 90% attendence.
2. convince ms ong to be the teacher-in-charge for the event.
3. come up with a detailed proposal.
4. produce the consent forms for the members.
wth la.
hols everyone(except me!) so busy, how to expect 90% attendence when regualar prac has only less than 50% attendence! 0.o
ms ong. hmph.
detailed proposal. yea sure.
consent form, yea.
but i doubt we can have it anyway. but WE WANT A OVERNIGHT CAMP! hmph.

oki so we reached the chalet. omg the walk from the entrance to our chalet was CRAZY. zig zag zig zag zig zag zig zag! =0

remember i was carrying the drink bottles? yea the plastic bags were cutting into my hand thru the walk to the chalet. hmm. maybe not walk, trek.

oki it was a rather big chalet. 1 living room, 4 rooms. 5 toilets! lol. the first thing i did was to put the stuff down, turn on the fans, sit on the sofa and never wanna move. lol. oki. then we watched tv abit then we took out the mahjong sets. heh. we brought 2 mahjong sets! ^^

learnt mahjong from yun hao. heh. oki la we picked it up rather quickly. then we played thru the afteroon with chips. so played from 3 till 6 plus? then we went to downtown east to eat. ate subway! then we went to the arcade to play. wanted to play pool, so we went. then the woman there was super gl. she wanted everyone's ez-link card. then jialiu thought she din bring. then she din allow yuxian in coz she was wearing nj pe tee tho she was wearing a jacket over it. then i think everyone was quite pissed with that woman. so we decided not to play. went back into the arcade. played abit lo.

then we went back to the chalet, continued playing mahjong, till about 12? then dunno what happened, then we we were chatting in the room. oki. talked till about 5? then i fell asleep.

then morning woke up at about 11, then they bought back mac for us. so ate mac, then went back to the room. then was talking then i fell asleep again. woke up at 1? then jialiu wanted to ride bike. but we took awhile to get everyone to go. then went to downtown east to eat again, then went back to the bike shop to rent bikes. heh. for the past 2 years if i could choose i would rollerblade instead of riding bike. so now after that hiatus i rode a bike again! lol. din fall or anything k. we rode the entire trail, then went back, but still has some time left so we rode the park connectors around. heh. returned bikes, went back to the chalet.played abit of mahjong, then went to help with the bbq food. heh. omg patrick was super good with the charcoal. his fire was really nice ^^ then we bbqed, then toasted marshmellows. heh. to make it nice and brown i had to bring it really close to the fire. which meant my poor fingers were cooking too. =/ but they said my marshmellows were nice! LOL.

hmm. after that i was quite tired? went back to our room. was lying on the bed. then the guys came in and we talked abit. then went to bathe(did u realise that through the 2 days, this is the first time i talked about bathing? LOL SHHHHH) yay the bath was super nice and refreshing. then helped patrick with the senior's presents. after that went to play at the arcade again. hmm, not really into the games there le, so watched them play. not into the mood bah. then we went back to the chalet. din really know what to do, then was playing bridge. then we decided to play murderer. then more and more ppl joined in till there wasnt enuff space in the room. so we all went to the living room to play. heh. oki la was quite fun. jinxian's commentary kept us laughing. ^^ till about 3? i was half asleep by that time. then most of us went to sleep.then initially there wasnt space for me and joson to sleep, but the seniors told us to use their room. then slept till next morning 8,

woke up and packed. then was watching the news. and dora the explorer T_T.

then we left the chalet and went to downtown east to eat breakfast. ate mac. then we wanted to take shuttle bus but it was packed(again?!) so we took bus. sian. then took mrt home. was sleeping on the way back.

why did you have to look so nice?
why did you have to have my favourite hairstyle?
dunno what to do. move forward or step back? im not even sure if i should move. =x

aye.

2008-11-12T09:37:00.002+08:00

oki back to post. these days nv update coz..nothing to post about!

omg. i cant talk about what i did on monday. LOL. there may be complications.

rawr. anyway anyway,um. im playing maple nowadays. LOL.

hmm. shush, and dun say anything more.

went to play pool with mei. ate at subway then we took bus to btsc and played pool. then went back to lot1. then sent mei home. lalalala. hees was nice seeing mei again! kor and mei, FOREVER! =)

hmm. i believe my brain cells are like dying of boredom. i havent used them for..4weeks? maybe more. god knows how long have i not touched a PEN. zomg. hahahas.

if i could, i would.
i cant, and so i wont.
ceteris paribus.

2008-11-01T00:50:00.002+08:00

do you know,that everytime i go to your blog, i feel sad?

waves of coldness washing over me, and i shiver, because it chills me down to the bone. i hug myself closer, trying to warm myself, and then i realise,

the coldness was from within.

i close my eyes, trying to seek for warmth. and i realised,

i din know who to look for.

and the waves just kept crashing over,

and the hope just kept ebbing away.

and all that's left,

is an empty cold shell,

that no one ever really cared about.

did you know, even after a year, i still go to your blog everyday?

and to see your life in words, but to feel my own pain without words.

and yet who could i say all these to?

i really dont know.

why having so much love for someone, when the person doesnt want it.
its like,
why bother spending so much effort over a meal that you know the person would not eat.

why do we need to lose to treasure,
why do we need to feel lonely before we can appreciate company.

and why is it that at this point, although i treasure it, i dont have anything to treasure.

-xinyi

2008-10-29T00:40:00.003+08:00

hello!

glad you're happy. i am too.

aye. does it matter what i type here?

and i sat there, facing the front, and you were there staring.

random.

i love co! not like the mei of mine who's declaring she ponn co on her blog. T_T

CO is actually a place where there are nice nice ppl whom i can be true to. at least there's a bond between us all.

unlike other places.

at least i feel i at home.

wind leaf tree.

if the leaf was not meant to stay with the tree, why bother growing there in the first place.

or does it mean that everything has to move on, everything has to separete?

if i dont say anything, its not that i dont care. its that im afraid if i say something, you'll think its too much. and too much of anything isnt good. too much of me isnt good. i tried to be the perfect friend. all i ended up being is alone.

humans dont think in perfect sentences. they think in fragments. this is my mind, in fragments, for you to see.

but to see is not to understand, and to understand is not to see, but to feel.

yet how many can feel the way i do, can see me as i am?

nothing lasts forever. not even love, friends, pain and hurt. they all fade away with time. and so does you. and yet it is i who cling on to the transient, that makes me human.

and i am only human.

2008-10-18T00:43:00.002+08:00

hello.

today went for co. i was the shou3 xi2! =) coz jialiu never come. hahas. then v funny. there are parts when i gotta breathe to signal the others to come in together. then i do until abit paiseh. =x. tired! played the song a few times, then we had this break thingy. then made souveniers. hmm. i guess it was pretty nice in the end bah. esp the one which was spammed with glitter. good job girls!
after that went down to look at the booth thingy. heh. climbed up the tall tall ladder to tie the banner to the tall tall pillar. heh. dunno ley. then lagged around. we went to paste the co posters. heh. all over the front gate and at some other weird places. heh. so cute la.
then we went to eat dinner at SUBWAY! hahas. got me melyan jonyan elvin candy jac. yayy ate foot long. hees.
then we went home. saw danhong on the bus. hahas so qiao la. =)

then i came home.

his left is my front,
his right is my back.
and i am nowhere near the centre.
as always.
why am i saying this?

rawr. feeling insecure about some stuff. hmm. and maybe low self-esteem. aye.

how would you feel?

2008-10-14T00:37:00.002+08:00

aye.
my front is his right.
my back is his left.
and im nowhere near the centre.

and why do i have to care in the first place?
it takes two hands to clap, and anyone can see that you're not doing anything. and so wont i.

during lit lesson today tcher said that one of the surest way to know if you love someone is that she is the last person on your mind before you fall asleep, and the first person you think of when you wake up.

well, you're constantly on my mind, and yet, i've gotta pretend you're not.

coz we cant go any further than this.

ceteris paribus.

2008-10-12T21:07:00.002+08:00

hello everyone! =)

oki its time to blog again. otherwise it shalt slowly wither and dieeeee.

oki today went to play soccer with 4k guys at buona vista ULU pandan community centre street soccer court. heh. played from 10 plus to 12:30. zomg la the sun was super hot. oki there was me jay kevan jiawei guochao fuen and george. 7 ppl. so we kept playing 4v3. hahas then as i was saying, it was super hot and NO SHADE. hahas. tired tired. but play till quite shuang la. and sometimes quite funny too xD. then we towards the end like abit no motivation to play liao. aye. then we went to 7-eleven to buy drinks then they ate lunch then i went home to bathe and change.

went to jec to meet mei. then we went to take neos(yay!) then went to mac to tutor mei. heh. dunno why buy saw a surprisingly large amt of nj ppl. hmm. anyway mei must jiayou for physics k! kor support you! =) must prove that my tutoring can work de! hahas!

then after that we went home. took pics on the bus. zomg la my hair damn toot! =( WAH. sian.

i wish that my hair will grow quick quick. i hope that a certain teacher may quit/tio sack from my school so that we will all have a better and more carefree life.
thankyou.=)

2008-10-08T19:22:00.002+08:00

xinyi xinyi,

you gotta be strong k.

you gotta be more mature.

this will make you stronger.

so smile and go through it kay!

we can do it de!

and we will come out stronger wiser and better,

in the end!
=/

2008-09-15T18:26:00.000+08:00

when im sad, i draw.

the more elaborate i draw,

the more sad i am.

2008-09-12T23:07:00.002+08:00

hello!

today went to sch, then ended sch at 12:30, stayed in school to study till 3 then went back to rv.

was quite tired bah. slept on the way to rv. aye.

then went to rv, did integration at the canteen. omg la super hard. =(

then aft that mei came down for break, then we talked till end of her break, then pei her walk back to sectionals. then on the way met mr lum. then mr lum ask if we are brother and sister. then i said ya. heh. then mr lum say we look alike xD.hahas.

then after that at sectionals then mei realised she lost her keychain thingy, so we retracted our routes then found it, then finally walked back to sectionals for the last time. heh.

aye. happy bah. =)

2008-08-31T23:04:00.002+08:00

because im so disillusioned with you,
i choose to keep away.
you're the stuff dreams are made of,
yet you can make it all become a nightmare.
my emotions are under your control,
my moods dependent on you.
but without your presence,
all i become,
is a plastic shell,
and dull eyes,
without a smile.

yesterday went to je to buy flowers, then went to meet with phaggy steppy and luxi at harbourfront. went to buy chocs, then ate at the kim gary restaurant,then faster went to SCH to watch co concert! zomg saw alot of familiar ppl. heh. then we went in to sit, wah our sit not nice =( its like below the stage, then at the back of the ground lvl seats. aka its not elevated la. then couldnt see the whole orchestra, only can see the front.hmm..but nvm! can hear! heh.

omg the songs were nice! esp the second song de gaohu. heh. then aft that saw alot alot of ppl during intermission. then aft that second half of the concert, steppy and phaggy went toilet then din come back till after wuti1. zomg. wow wuti 1 brought back waves and waves of emotions. hahas. nice nice.

after that we took photos, then i went to give the performers flowers while steppy they all wait downstairs. zomg the performers took so long to come down! hahas. so it was like a whole mass of congregations. heh. after that went back home with phaggy and steppy and luxi. then on the mrt got this guy keep looking at phaggy. hmph. stupid old teeko. make phaggy uncomfortable. i wont let anyone bully phaggy de! hmph.

then took train all the way to bukitbatok with steppy and luxi, then went home. tired. heh.

2008-08-29T19:57:00.002+08:00

what did it feel like?

i dont know. you left me behind, there were times during the past 8 months that i called out your name for comfort, and all i recieved was a sharp twisting pain leaving me bent double. and i cant face you again anymore. the tears barely dried and the shell barely hardened, i cant face you again. maybe if i did, i'll break, i'll crumble, i'll long for your protection again.

how did it feel?

i dont know too. it was like building a wall around myself, then comforting myself in my isolation. like bottling up everything thing i feel and letting it out now. i felt everything i should feel, even if i dont show it. i feel your presence, i revel in it, then i pretend i dont care.

aye. im sorry.

today went to school wearing pe shirt and grey pants. then went to hand in my unseen poem essay. then stayed at the round tables awhile, then went to the grandstand to "take photos". not everyone was there. so i din take any photos. then went to the parade square. after national anthem, they started the aces day thing. that's the cue for me, daniel and puonen to go toilet. went to the sciene block and lagged arnd, then went to the balcony to slack. spend quite awhile admiring the scenery and the immensity of the clouds. hahas. after that we went to talk at the science block. then when the aces day thingy ended we went back, then went to change.

daniel and puonen changed into their street clothes. LOL. dull boring uninteresting me wore back my uniform. heh super sian right. but nj uniform was the rarest type of costume on "Be Yourself Day" k. lol. ok the concert thing was SUPER SIAN. then halfway it started raining and we were moved to the hall. which was JUST AS SIAN. took out my psp and played thru bah. then after the concert then 08s16 took a class photo together. then i left to meet 4k.

took quite awhile to gather coz yinneh and pris gt chem makeup. then waited till quite late, then aft that faster chiong to rv. missed the first bus coz too many ppl le. so me elyena peisi and peiqi wanted to take taxi. but taxi oso got ppl queueing up to flag! zomg. so we waited. till the next 961 came. so we unglamly ran back to the bus stop and took the bus. reached rv. saw lotsa ppl. hahas. then went to canteen and saw 4k! and phaggy! and mei! lol. so went to play soccer. wow j2 seniors against us j1s. starting they were super pro. scored 3 goals ley! then we all were like omg. but after that din let any more goals in! yay. hmph. tho my pants got stained by the ground after the 2 sliding takles i did. zomg if that guy din jump over me i would have been kicked in the face and died. =0 ended with 3 nil. lost =(

after that went with 4k to eat dinner. went to vivo. met 4c ppl. heh. hmmm..went to eat at ramen ten. ate chicken katsu don. omg their chicken cutlet was super big so i couldnt finish =x. heh. then we went to the sky park to take photos, during which ppl keep asking me how come my pants got the mud. rawr. lol. then went to the amphi(i think that's what its called) and played zhong ji mi ma truth or dare. lol was quite funny bah. but i was quite interested in the hoards of termites on the ground. zomg.

after that we all went home. then at the lrt only left me and peiyu. then when reach my stop i couldnt get out coz we were super inside the train and got alot of ppl. not that i really tried. heh. so took with peiyu to her stop. fajar i think. then i went home. tired tired. fell asleep on the way back and missed my stop(again -_-) then had to take to cck, then take back to my stop again. RAWR. then reached home. lol. tired and stressed!

cant wait for tmr rvco concert! =)

2008-08-10T15:47:00.001+08:00

oh, did i mention this is my third consecutive day eating pizza? rawr. bursting with cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssseeeeeeeeeeee.

hahas not bad though. iie lurrbs pizza.

2008-08-10T14:36:00.003+08:00

wl sian. spent the day doing my eom. heh. then kept procrastinating by playing daidi with my bro. if i lost, i have to do [(amount of cards left) x 2] pullups. if my bro lost he has to do [(amount of cards left) / 2] pullups. which means i effectively do 4x more pullups than he does. and sian i just lost by 7 cards. which means 14 pullups xD. aye, heh. shall go do now before typing the rest of this post.

yay done. omg. tired. heh.

oki. did i tell you guys that i slept through the national day parade? xD

oki shall upload a pic from sch national day celebration. credits to paul. =)

2008-08-09T21:28:00.003+08:00

ytd was national day celebration!

went to sch, then changed into my ahbeng costume, then went to pass kelly my lignum shirt, then went to lt2 to assemble.

then we rehersed, adding in some last minute stuff.

then we went on stage to perform. stil oki bah, just that the kicking of the terrorist was alittle long coz the music was laggg in coming in.

then we went off the staged, slacked abit at the side of the parade square, then went to atrium to get ready for finale. then when we were walking down to the parade square, saw sp walking to the stage! then zomg i faster ran away. heh.

aft school, went with daniel and caleb to btp to play pool. played better with every game bah. i wan pool table! xD

then we went to eat at Al-Aeem or something like that. not bad ley. butter naan and mutton marsala with milo dinosaur! =D

then after that went to kap to mug with danhong and shanly. well did i econs case study, 2 econs essay outline and my gp aq! yay!

oki today was suppossed to do Eom. but kept procrastinating till now. sian lo. dont think i can finish by tonight. so cant go play soccer tmr. =(

anyway anyway, probably going out to mug on monday bah.

if you loved me, would you let me know.

2008-07-19T15:09:00.000+08:00

i dunno whether i should tell you i love you.

2008-07-13T21:34:00.001+08:00

this is a promise made, to mei,
that i will still sms you every morning, till i die,
and will be at all the big and small events in your life,
and you at mine. =)

2008-07-11T22:07:00.002+08:00

was looking through the archives of my friend's blog. mm..looking back with hindsight? aye.

when we said forever, we really thought forever.

when we see now, we realise there's no forever.

why?

coz things change, people change, people come and go.

why did you have to dissappear.

why cant you be my friend.

2008-07-08T19:16:00.001+08:00

=(

dunno why.

2008-07-05T12:11:00.001+08:00

aye, why is it so hard?

2008-06-28T18:33:00.003+08:00

oki today went out with phaggy! =)

me and phaggy at national library! =)
(sorry for the bigness! =x)

hees today woke up at 8 at chanjui house, played abit of maple then went home, bathed, went out to bugis to meet phaggy at 11! =) bought tix for ZOHAN at 12:45, then we went to eat mos burger. heh. aft that we talk till arnd 12 plus, then went to walk walk, then went to watch movie. b4 that we wanted to buy popcorn, but coz we always never finish, so i asked the person:

"can i have half a popcorn combo?"
zomg.

hahas. then he say can but still same price. then i said huhh but alot ley. then in the end we bought drinks only! =)

k then we went into the movie, watched. omg la its so full of sexual stuff. but still quite funny la. phaggy dozed off alot of times during the movie lor. (note to self: remind phaggy to sleep early the night b4 we go out)
oki then aft the movie, we went to walk around, but abit dunno what to do, so we went to national library to pei phaggy find her eom books. then we went down to the children section and sat down on the kiddy chairs to read the kiddy books and take pics! =) then aft that we walked to raffles city, where we walked around. omg we went to a bookshop, then we went to a cd shop! so cultured! xD then we were at the 'relationship" section of the bookshop and we started flipping thru books. heh. quite fun ley.

k then we nothing to do le, so we went to queue for donuts at jco! hees. then wanted to find a place to eat but dunno where. coz alot of ppl. so in the end we walkkkkked to esplanade outside to eat beside the river! lol! hahahas. then aft that bought drinks, then we took bus to tiongbahru. then i alighted =( while phaggy took the bus home. aye. hahas. then i trained home. yay!

oki later meeting george then go zh house "party" <----as quoted by jay chan neh neh.
omg. so bad.

hees.

2008-06-25T21:16:00.009+08:00

hahas yay happy birthday to me! =)

oki thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday! =) hahas.

zhenzhi
sharmine
saradha(her bdae too! xD)
elyena
phaggy
jiamin
judith
huixuan
peisi
audrey
edwyna
joson
jiawei(girl)
livia lim(jiawei's tablemate. -_- dun-know-who)
fuen
safarina
shanshan
danhong
xiaoxi
shanly
kristie
jiawei(male)
pearlyn
yunrou
patrick
amanda
jingxi
candy
emily
dawn
samantha
priscilla
sueann
jiahao
kelly
liumin
lichen
clarice
chanjui
jialiu
paul
kheehui
shun
cenhui
seowrong
yuxian
yenpeng

(oki this is about all! um. sorry if i missed you out! tell me if i did! =x)
thanks for the pressie too! =)

aye. kinda lazy to list everything down. kk *ahem* aye gotta go mug physics so i shall cut this short. LOL.

oki. omg today is a damn zibi birthday. morning went sch with jiamin, then morning assembly, then MATHS EXAM. zomg la. damn zibi. spent 3 hours skipping questions. aye. oki. then aft maths exam, tchers spent a long time collating all the papers, so we stone there for about an hour. zomg. come to think of it, it was quite long ley! hahas.
then when we were dismissed, then i quickly took bus home. bused home with emily. omg zibi again! hahas it was quite fun ley. coz we were laming arnd. hees.

qn: why did maybank close?
ans: coz its JUNE.

HAHA.

k la. my bdae isnt as zibi as you think k. then went home, walk around the house in my socks, then went to rv to fetch mei. met mei at sch gate, then we took bus to je, took neos then ate long john,. then we were supposed to go lot 1 to buy bdae cake. but aye abit troublesome, so we took bus to mei's house, then um. spent some time sitting in the living room to stone, then, took out this "five-stones" beanies and started throwing them at eachother. heh. mei's aim is seriously bad. -_- then aft that mei bathed, i fell asleep on the sofa, then she bathe finish then we played daidi till 6 then i went off. went to lot 1 to buy my bdae cake, hees. then went home. aye tired tired day.

loves mei's pressie. omg. and the card. got eng and chinese version de. hees.

had a really nice bdae la, spending a day with mei. =) its not zibi k! xD

hahas. k la, now i gotta go bathe, eat bdae cake with family, then brush teeth, go mug physics! hees. i got coffee running through my veins now. haahas.

love y'all! =D

2008-06-22T18:05:00.002+08:00

for all my 11 years of education, i've never looked forward to my birthday. aye.

25th june, oh the eternal end-of-june-hols date, the day i pia my lastminute-holiday-homework, when i dread the start of school.

haha guess what. this year it reached an all-time high. it falls on my MATHS COMMON TEST. which, ironically, i havent started LEARNING. mind you, not revising, LEARNING. aye.

anyway anyway, i just had a feeling. how to describe it? mm.. maybe peaceful bah. like, so what if i never study finish, so what if im gonna fluck everything except econs and gp(hopefully). what can it do to me luh. im still gonna live on. hahs. maybe it'll motivate me to mug for promos bah. which is more impt. i CANNOT retain. rawr.

so in conclusion, i guess i shouldnt be taking things too hard bah. i mean, im gonna fail le, why think so much about it? i shall move on before i even start the exams. heh.

oh well. jy for ct bah.

the stream has dwindled to trickle. but, its still dripping bah.

2008-06-20T22:17:00.003+08:00

you said forever,

that you would never let me go.

nuff' said.

2008-06-17T19:56:00.002+08:00

hello! ytd went out with mei. met at cck, went to je to take neos, then ate brunch at kfc, took mrt to cineleisure. then on the train was too distracted then missed our stop. suppossed to get out at somerset but we only realised when we reached orchad. so we tried to find our way to cine from orchard mrt but....we got lost! xD then we walked back to mrt and took mrt to somerset, then walked to cine! then mei wanted to watch missing..which is a horror movie which i totally hate. so..we went down to ground lvl of cine. then she ask here gt box office meh. then i say if got then we dun watch missing arh. then we walk half a round le still no sight of a box office then she said okay. then when we walk finish the round then she saw the box office. yay. so in the end we din watch missing. hahas. omg typing it here, feels so bad ley. aye. then we watched The Incredible Hulk. which wasnt very incredible bah. xD but still quite fun(throwing popcorn).
aft that we took train back to cck, where we both fell asleep. then when reach cck we bought pies and then took bus to mei's house, then she changed while i studied econs, then pei mei go grandmother's house.
LOL. oh ya on the way to harbourfront we were on bus 97, then we were PAINTING NAIL POLISH. xD damn funny la! coz at first i tried to help mei put then very ugly. then she took alcohol to wipe the nail polish off. then she did her left hand. then i tried to help her do her right hand. and yay i got more pro with every finger i did! then quite dumb la. coz mei kept accidentally rubbing the tissue paper with her nails, then must redo that nail again. T.T then went home. heh.

today went kap to mug. yay.

2008-06-14T23:21:00.002+08:00

oki apparently phaggy cant tag on my tagboard. dunno why. they say she's banned. =( nvm. i shall post her tag here.

phaggy:don ban me! hahahs. >D see my new emoticon! haha. look like me right. heehee >D
xinyi: hahas nv ban u! =( hahas yes la. =) CYA SOON! =)

2008-06-13T21:57:00.002+08:00

aye haocheng leave le. =(
will miss you de man.

today changed my braces. its black below coz btm is 1 chain de. then top is black and light purple(more like pink) alternate. aye.

then i was helping my mum open the canned soup. then pulled. then went back to the com. theni felt my hand wet wet de. so i went to take tissue and wipe. then looked down. and saw all the blood all over the tissue. =( accidentally cut myself on the can tab. aye. bled quite alot and now there's a plaster over it. xD

yay soup. i wan go out muggg! =X

2008-06-07T15:36:00.001+08:00

hello!

mm dreamt of a friend last night. lol.

aye i seriously need to get started on studying. but i cant.. =(

2008-05-31T19:18:00.002+08:00

hello! shall update from last night. so was at cj house. then we played maple awhile, then went to yewtee to buy cupnoodles.result:

boy gets knocked down by car at 2am.

hahahas.
anyway, ate cupnoodles, played daidi, then i went to read book while cj play psp. then we went to sleep at arnd 3. woke up at 12.

lag until 2, then went to lot 1 to eat pizzahut. heh. we damn gl la. ordered quite alot. then eat until damn full sia. then eat halfway we asked the manager to heat up the pizza for us xD hahas they so nice lor. then when we paying bill then we ask the waitress if she recognise us nort, then she say ya! =D hahas. then we ate for damn long. coz we lac lac. hahas. yay im gaining weight. so anyway anyway,

went back to yewtee, then took cab to bbp, then took bus back to cck. so now im back home . heh.

2008-05-31T01:15:00.003+08:00

hello! =)

shall update today. heh.

today went to rv to fetch mei,
then we went to je koba to eat.
then took neos,
then went ice skating rink to play photohunt,
then took mrt to clementi,
met kelly and friend on the way down the escalator,
then she asked me if i knew where i was going. haha.
then me and mei went to take 96 at bus interchange.
then kelly found out she went the wrong way or smthing. aye. sadd.
anyway anyway took bus to ucc hall.
saw lotsa njcians. and saw some rvians too.
saw juddddddith! haha she came to support ______. hahahas.
then me and mei went into the concert hall. zomg la our seats are damn gl. its at the second floor, to the right of the stage. crazy la.
had a great view of the stage(and the audience) tho. heh. haha.
then me and mei took pics.
then we watched the concert. it was nice nice nice. hahas.
then intermission, called kelly to ask her where is she.
then she said third floor and i looked up and ask her which row of seats and she kept saying third floor. rawr.
then i couldnt find her.
then she said " you're looking at me -_-"
then i realised indeed i was facing her direction. lol. aye.
haha so finally found kelly.
then second half of concert. nice nice nice.
then the ending was nice too.
then me and mei went toilet,
then walked to bus stop to take bus home.
we took 188 by impulse.
then mei said it was a loong way home.
so we alighted at imm that area,
then walked this wulu and very dark way back to je mrt.
then we took mrt to cck,
went to cheers to buy drinks,
took 302 to send mei home,
then i din go home but walked to my friend's house to stay over.
and here i am! =)

note to mei: do not cut short hair, do not pierce another hole in ur ear. or else i will scream at you.

ha ha ha.

2008-05-18T19:39:00.002+08:00

today went to yan palace to eat lunch. -_-

food totally suckeddd.

went home, fell asleep.

woke up, ate dinner.

shall do some homework soon.

aye.

as the pink cloth falls onto the white ground,

it dissolves,

and all that's left,

is a small smudge on the ground,

to signify

that the cloth

ever existed.

shush.

2008-05-18T01:34:00.002+08:00

aye.

what's with this world.

dunno what to say sia.

mm.

ytd stay over at cj house. played maple and daidi till about 5am. then went to sleep. woke up at 10 to go out with him and his friends. then his friends ask me what my name is and i said william. partially true dere. mm. we went to eat pizzahut. then went to jp. played naruto on the train sio. then we went to buy movie tix. what happens in vegas! then went to buy earing/earstick/earstud. i bought all 3! hees. aye i dunno how to open my earring yet.(noob!) and havent try my ear stud yet. hee bought this thicker set of black earsticks. put in the earhole bleed sia. aye. but it finally got it. i think after 15mins. blehbleh. oh back to the topic. then we went to watch movie. not bad luh. it was quite sweet leh i think. and quite funny. recommended sio. then we went back to lot 1 to slack. then i went home, ate dinner, bathed, dad drove me back to cj house. steady bo. then just now play maple till now. mm. saw some things on eunice's blog. mm..feeling quite hot sia. sian. mm shall finish my mac ice milo then throw away the dumb cold soggy fries then go into the room to play daidi.

i will move on. but i wont forget you.

this may be my last post with regards to you.

byee.

2008-05-14T00:31:00.002+08:00

aye.
i read ur past msges.
actually,
and i saw this one,
i still miss you alot de leh.
actually i love you alot de
actually,
and i thought to myself.
i still wanna be friends with you de.
do you still feel the same way?
actually,
if in our dreams i held your hand
im very lonely without you around.
promise never to let go.
aye.
-lala

2008-05-11T03:57:00.002+08:00

a long time ago i depended on someone to tell me when to sleep.

a long time ago i played scissors paper stone everynight.

a long time ago i had the stars, the moon and the sun.

a long time ago i was happy.

a long time ago i was young and happy-go-lucky.

now, i miss you alot alot.

why did you have to go,

and leave me alone here?

why did you tell me you dont want le.

why did you let me go.

din i tell you to never never let go of me?

why did you say we're normal friends,

yet ignored the single sms i sent you?

why are you still on every single blog post i make?

i cant shake your shadow off me.

your memory has become a part of me.

and i am all but a memory in you.

my dear dear friend,

are you happy now?

i hope you are.

im sorry i let you down.

im sorry i went too far.

im sorry im not who you wanna be friends with.

im sorry im posting this.

but if i dont let it out,

im afraid i'll break down.

im afraid to break down.

coz i dont have anything to pick me up.

dont have anyone to call and cry to.

i really hope your life is perfect.

and he's treating you better than i do.

fight for your happiness,

my dear, dear friend.

lead a perfect life,

to fufil the dreams of my imperfect life.

do you still remember the dreams we'd had.

the talks we had.

the secrets we shared.

the sun has set.

and im left with the faraway moon,

and the distant stars,

to keep me on my path.

would anyone be my torch,

or would i be scrambling in the dark,

looking for the light and purpose of my life.

aye,

my dear soulmate.

goodnight,

sweet dreams,

cya in dreamland.

scissors paper stone.

scissors paper stone.

scissors paper stone.

you'll hang up.

mm.

bye bye.

2008-05-08T20:49:00.001+08:00

oh, so you still exist?

my friend.

2008-05-04T09:17:00.002+08:00

i'll do whatever it takes,
to turn this around.
i know that i've let you down,
give me a chance,
believe that i can change,
i'll keep us together.
whatever it takes.

stop it, my dear boy.
stop decieving yourself.
she said,
some things,
once lost,
can never be reverted again.

you told her yourself,
that her chapter in your life has ended,
and its time for a new story.

and by saying that,
your pencil broke itself,
your heart twisted itself in you.
and you realised,
after so, so long.
you couldnt find the pencil,
couldnt find the courage,
to continue writing your life down.

please, my boy.
this is your mind speaking.
move on, dont stay here.
you wont achieve anything by waiting.

and the heart replied,
i know i shouldnt,
but i cant move on.
im afraid to,
afraid that the moment i move,
i'll lose my sense of direction in life,
lose my purpose.
for so, so long,
i've been protected,
cared for.
i've become dependent on the soulmate
i treasured too much.

two conflicting thoughts,
placed beside eachother.
hurts so much they bend you inside,
makes you want to fold into yourself,
and cry out,
scream it out,
that you're needed,
that it really hurts.

my dear boy,
stop decieving youself.
you say you're okay,
you say you're happy,
yet,
your smile doesnt reach your eyes.
and,
your shadow is lighter than normal,
coz even the sun knows that,
you're empty inside.

there are many people,
my boy,
that would like to see you happy.
that would like to see you smile.

smile.
:):

2008-05-01T14:32:00.002+08:00

heyy,

remember you once told me,

whatever happens,

never to hate you?

maybe i understand why

you said that.

and i just wanna tell you,

i'll never never hate you,

never ever hated you,

and as always,

wont be angry with anything you do to me.

treasure what you have,

and dont ever be bullied again.

my doors will always be open

to you

2008-04-26T23:43:00.002+08:00

it takes two hands to clap,

and anyone can see that

one hand isnt doing anything

at all.

2008-04-26T23:07:00.002+08:00

i dun feel like posting.

bye.

2008-04-25T19:35:00.002+08:00

shall blog now. heh.

these few days has been really really tiring. mondays end sch at 4:30, tues end at 4:30, then got cca till 7:30. then got cca dinner. wednesday end at 1 plus, then caal, then cca till 7:30, cca dinner. thurs end at 3:40, fridays end at 12:30. hai.
start of the week, totally no time and energy to do homework. why my timetable so imba de. T.T

today got caught by dm for hair. sian la. then she walk away catch more ppl then i faster pull out my earstick before she see. sian. so she ask for our name class civics tutor. then monday must go find her. dun feel like going luh. and totally dun feel like cutting my hair. anyway anyway after that took the whole econs lesson trying to put my earstick back on but couldnt find the other opening of the hole. sian luh. anyway now its safely back in my ear. =D

tmr napfa. i hereby declare i cant do sit-ups. and i dun want to do situps. si tups. situ ps. s itu ps. si tups. argh. shall sian.

i dunwan cuttttt my hair!

wound so deep it cant bleed.
pain so overwhelming it never goes away.
longing so much i cant forget.
how do you remove something that's a part of you?
pluck away my hand and it wont grow back.
take away my heart,
and a empty soul is all that's left.

my smile will be a shade lighter,
my shadow will be half of what it should be,
without you

good bye my friend.
good bye me.

2008-04-10T19:28:00.001+08:00

heyy? are you okay?

mm..if there's anything you need to talk about,

feel free to find me.

i'll always be dere for you.

2008-04-06T20:08:00.002+08:00

do you still come here?

do you still think of me?

2008-04-05T23:31:00.002+08:00

tonight i made my own supper.

ingredients: can of tuna, plain cracker biscuits, pepper, soya sauce, mayo, bacon bits.

yumyum. finished the whole can. feeling like a cat. meow!

seriously tuna is the only fish i eat. maybe coz it doesnt taste as fishy. lol.
but near the end the bacon bits were starting to make me feel sick.

anyway anyway ended off with pokka green tea.

dieing over pi(3.142) T.T

today i went lot 1 to cut my hair. yay. woke up, bathe, go cut hair, they washed my hair for me, styled it with some wax, went home, washed off the wax. =D

who baths 3 time in one morning anyway. -_-

oh! and i listened to mrbrown too. funny funny. =)

im not your average joe.

im your not-so-average tom.

go figure.

2008-04-04T20:07:00.002+08:00

shall update.

today morning woke up and met jiamin at the cck bus interchange. ooh and guess what? 3 bus worth of bpsec ppl queueing up for the bus. wow. heh. so we decided to take 190then change to 171. SMaRT right. =D

anyway anyway we took the bus to sch. just on time. hahas. first time tapping our attendence card on the card reader >.< then morning assembly, then econs tutorial. so i went into the class and started wiping my chair coz its wet. so after awhile the teacher ask me "u not interested in economics?" and i was like huh? lol then i said "no lah my chair wet." hehe.

so lessons aft lessons. till econs lecture in the hall. ate chocolate pocky in the hall. lecturer suddenly called lishuo to answer qn. then we laughed. coz its like he was called for 3 times in lecture by diff lecturers to answer the qn le. T.T

*maths time*
assuming that there are 400 people in the lecture hall, probability that lecturer will call lishuo to answer qn is 1/400.
hence probability that diff lectureres will call lishuo to answer qn 3 times =

(1/400) x (1/400) x (1/400)
=
1/64 000 000
or
0.000 000 015
or
0.0000015%

wow.

anyway after that had physics, then lunch then triple free-period. aka end of sch.
was going to stone in sch until 3 then go rv to find mei. then phaggy sms me say she going rv today. so we decided to meet up earlier! =D
yay.
so took bus to rv, met phaggy outside sch. then we went in. hehe yay finally saw eachother after sooooo long! =D
so we went into sch, then placed our bags in the canteen, then went to co room to return the co uni, then we went to library to cool down and talk. hehe found some hidden side of the library to talk and enjoy aircon. then aft that phaggy had to go meet her mum and sis, so she had to leave. =(
so walked phaggy to bus-stop, then decided to send her off till harbourfront. heh. got concession ticket so can take as many bus rides as i want.
so we took the bus. phaggy said she missed me alot. yay. fluuy misses you alot too! hahas.
then i alighted at harbourfront while phaggy took the bus on to raffles place. mm..so i went down, walked down to the opposite side and then took the bus back to rv.
went into sectionals coz that stupid instructor wasnt there. mei was busy doing her work. mm..so seeing that she was so busy, i decided to leave lor.
at the bus-stop waiting for bus, guess who i saw? krisite! =D hehe so sent her home. then talked all the way till woodlands, then i took mrt to lot 1. bought more earsticks and borrowed two books. then went home.

tata.

oh, we're playing the angel-mortal game within our class and with the senior 06s16 class. i asked them to call me aingel. just like you did.

byee.

2008-03-24T19:41:00.001+08:00

you've become so, so strong.

im so proud of you.

continue fighting for your happiness.

i wish you all the best.

=)

2008-03-23T21:12:00.002+08:00

i dun give a shit about rabbits any more.

i know why they're hiding away.

its not coz they dun wanna stay there.

they just wanna play at other places.

like I CARE.

2008-03-19T20:14:00.002+08:00

hello! tell y'all a secret. =x
(highlight the line below this line)
my left butt HURTS

lol.
today went ice skating for enrichment week. quite shuang actually.

started with the coach teaching us stuff. the jumping, backwards..

then aft that we asked another coach to teach us how to skate backwards in a circle..the cross leg thingy. damn cheem la. lol. but i think i got it! =D right over left, left step out, right over left,left step out! hehe

mm..aft that just skated arnd with edi..quite shuang to go damn fast. but aft that for some reason i fell. so my left butt hurts. hahas.

mm skated till 1, then tired le so just went home with emily.

byee.

"one day i found this warren of rabbits in a forest.they seemed really nice and cute. initially they were quite afraid of me but soon we got to knew eachother. and we played quite often together in the forest, sometimes even everyday, and we just got closer and closer. until one day the rabbits felt that it was too close. so they tried to play less, come out of their warren less. i felt them distant and i tried to go closer to them by looking for them. but the more i did that, the more they shrunk back. until today, when i approach their warren, i no longer see them respond, no longer see them come out of their warren. are they still avoiding me? or have they already shifted their warren to another place? i dont know, and im really afraid to find out."

2008-03-15T23:10:00.003+08:00

after more than 10 trips to my living room window, 2 diagrams, 3 tries, i am proud to announce that me and kaiting have finally found eachother's houses le! =D can see eachother from the windows la! LOL.

*wave wave wave*

2008-03-15T22:19:00.002+08:00

hello!

mm..these hols had been quite lag bah..
co camp, making terrorist video.

when the leaf is blown by the wind,
there is nothing,
nothing the tree can do,
to hold on to the leaf.
beacuse
no matter how much it wants leaf to stay,
it has no hands to hold on,
no mouth to plead it to stay.

when autumn comes,
the tree sheds its leaves.
and more will grow next spring.
its a way of life.

for every 1 person who doesnt like you,
there'll always be 3 who likes you.

im happy happy happy! =D

hahas cant wait till sch starts ><

2008-03-06T20:59:00.006+08:00

想听着你的声音睡着,

想听你告诉我,

我醒来之后,

一切都会更美好.

2008-03-01T19:15:00.003+08:00

this is a story about two friends.

once upon a time,

and they went their separate ways,

happily ever after.

its time to move on bah.

thanks for being such a great character in the story.

=)

2008-02-23T20:46:00.002+08:00

whey. then what about me?

everywhere i go ppl ask me how's njc. and i smile and i say its okay.

but its not okay. and you know the reason why. the reason i studied so hard, the reason i chose nj, the reason i went to nj. and the reason isnt there anymore. and i hate it when i walk past places where i know you have been.

im sorry..i really am..

i told you if you need me i'll always be here. if you're lonely you can look for me. and i waited.

and the only message you're sending me is that you dont really need me around anymore.

can i be childish and say i dont want you to go? coz i DUN WANT I DUN WANT I DUN WANT!

I HATE IT!

please..im suffering here. and you're not making things any better by running away.

i dun wanna scare you..but i really dunno what to do with my life anymore.

the day you left, something in me died inside.

and my smile will always be a shade lighter.

coz you're not there for me anymore.

2008-02-22T17:32:00.002+08:00

i miss you. i really really do.everyday im thinking harder on how to sms you.

you'll never know when is the last time you're doing something with someone. and it hurts when you dont regret it.

look at them, they're trying so hard to be togther.

not a day has gone by without me thinking of you.

please let me stay.

2008-02-18T22:45:00.003+08:00

mm..firstly i wanna say that i will miss my class de..thanks for being such a great class man. yay and miss zhou said our class was the most fun one in the whole level. heh. true we've had lotsa fun to share, even ponning classes and watching youtube during gp, bickering among ourselves, or just laughing at someone else =D
well, we'll have our outings de k.

tmr's last day of sch le. sian just now got mosquito bite me alot of times la. i know my blood sweet but dun have to keep poking me sio.
oh back to topic. ya tmr last day of sch le..hahas..im ponning the last few lessons bah. then we shall go out and have fun fun fun! =)
please let me stay beside you.

2008-02-14T16:44:00.003+08:00

i've sat in front of the screen for quite some time, thinking of what to post here to you.

and i typed and retyped. wrote and rewrote.

and then i deleted them all away.

they were two jigsaw puzzle pieces, different in every side, but fitting in every way.
they said that only in times of trouble do you realise who are the people around you that are true friends.
that's how they found eachother.
and he was the outspoken one. the one who talked with his heart instead of his mind. the one who liked dancing in the grey areas, who skipped between the black and the white, laughing at her expressions. he was the eternal kid, who liked playing with his words, whose feelings he tried to describe, trying to tell her how important she was to him.
she was the sensitive one. the one who talked with her mind instead of her heart. the one who prefered to stay in the white areas, who exclaimed or feigned ignorance whenever he tried to drag her to dance with him in the grey. she was the mature one, who liked listening to his words, whose feelings she liked to hide, trying to tell him to stop depending on her too much.

your sleep manager, counsellor, p manager, doctor, l, sp, soulmate.
my counsellor, doctor, a, p, cp, soulmate.

she never had to fear losing him,
coz she knew he'll never leave her.
she never had to fear making him angry,
coz she knew he'll be laughing 5 mins later.
she never had to fear crying alone,
coz she knew he'll be there for her forever.
she never had to fear being unwanted,
coz she knew he'll always be wanting her.

she deserves more than he can ever give her.
she is more than who she thinks she is.

sorry i wasnt what you could accept. sorry coz i kept making you feel bad. sorry i made you confused. sorry i made you cry on the nights when you din put eyedrops for too long.

and then i realise i dont know how to end this.
maybe its to tell you that no matter what you do, i'll support your choices as long as you're happier that way.
maybe its to tell you that i miss your voice.
maybe its to tell you that i'll mature, i'll change to be someone you can accept.
or maybe, just maybe, there's nothing left to say anymore.

stay happy yea? if you ever need me im always here for you. if you cant sleep, you can still do the thing i want you to do.

we dont have to love eachother to be soulmates, to feel the way we do.

to this close friend of mine, angels are friends who you know will always stand by you, and i shall call no other an angel.

2008-02-12T23:24:00.000+08:00

today, something died within me.

can someone pei me watch ps i love you. and then cry with me inside?

2008-02-03T13:38:00.000+08:00

i start, and end, every of my days, with you. and im happy to keep it that way.

this is one of the times, when im feeling at peace with this relationship. and i hope you're feeling that way too.

maybe coz im zi-highing by blasting music and drinking coffee. COFFEEBOY!

heh. feels good man.

nv reply my morning sms. bleh. think is ur phone failed to send the msg again..starhub always bully us leh. if it continues like this right. one night im gonna take you to a open field, and as we gaze at the stars, we'll look for the goddamned starhub satalite, and we're so gonna shoot it down and demand they send a new one up.

yea man. feels so shuang.

should i drink another can of coffee?

caffeine rush! =DDDDDDDDD

so depressed by gp homework. critical reading of gp lecture notes from page 2 to 29. screw it man. i'll just dip my notes in a tub of green dye and then say the notes were so important i highlighted them all.

i wan pon monday.

hais. 13 more days?

paisehiloveyou.

2008-01-28T21:18:00.001+08:00

what your mum cant do for you, i'll do it.

you deserve better treatment than that.

now im pissed.